Nice or Kind?

I was really impacted recently by something Trevor Noah, a South African comedian and former host of The Daily Show, said in a conversation with Simon Sinek, a leadership author known for his work on purpose and influence. Trevor made a simple but striking observation (You can watch it here). He said that niceness is the performance of kindness, but not necessarily the action itself. It is nice to say something encouraging, it is nice to smile, but kindness actually does something. Simon then added, almost as a provocation, that harsh feedback is not nice, but it is kind.

That stayed with me, because it speaks to something we as Christians do not often stop to examine. Not out there somewhere, but right here among us, in our churches, in our friendships, in our communities. Are we actually kind to one another, or have we quietly settled for being nice to one another?

Jesus said that people would recognise His disciples by their love, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). And when Scripture defines love, it does not leave it vague or sentimental. It says, “Love is patient, love is kind…” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Not nice, but kind. It suggests movement, intention, and cost.

Paul takes it further when he writes, “God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance” (Romans 2:4). His kindness is active and purposeful, moving toward a real outcome, a changed heart. This becomes even clearer in the most well known verse in Scripture, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son…” (John 3:16). His love did not remain an idea. It moved toward us. It acted. It intervened. His kindness did something.

Which means kindness is not just about how something feels in the moment, but what it produces over time.

This is where that line, “harsh feedback is not nice, but it is kind,” begins to make more sense. Scripture calls us to “be kind and compassionate to one another” (Ephesians 4:32). That is not a call to avoid difficult conversations, but to enter them rightly. There is a way of being honest that is harsh and careless, and there is a way of being honest that is deeply kind. The difference is compassion, motive, and whether we are seeking to win or to restore.

This is exactly what sits behind the process Jesus lays out in Matthew 18:15–17. The goal is never to catch someone out or to push them away, but to win them over, to restore them, to bring them back into life and relationship. That is the heart of it. And yet Jesus still gives a process. There is a way to respond when something is wrong. There is a way to address sin, to have the conversation, to move toward someone rather than away from them.

Niceness would avoid it altogether. Niceness lets things slide, sweeps them under the carpet, and tells itself it is not worth the awkwardness. But that is not kindness. Kindness moves toward the person. It is willing to step into the discomfort, to speak honestly, and to do so with a heart that genuinely wants the other person’s good.

And this is where it goes even deeper. Because as we begin to see that kindness is not the same as niceness, it actually reshapes how we understand something many of us struggle with, the judgement of God.

We often assume judgement is harsh, unkind, something to be avoided. But Scripture paints a very different picture. I explored recently Joel 3:1-16 for a sermon, which you can watch here, where I explain that restoration is not possible without confrontation, and confrontation is not possible without judgement. 

In other words, judgement is not the opposite of kindness; it is often the very pathway to it.

Without judgement, there is no acknowledgement that something is wrong. Without confrontation, there is no turning. And without turning, there can be no healing, no restoration, no life. 

Which means when God confronts, He is not stepping away from kindness, He is expressing it. He is refusing to leave us where we are. He is refusing to let brokenness have the final word.

This is where love and courage meet. Because to confront in love is not easy. It requires humility, compassion, and a genuine desire to restore rather than to be right. But when it is done well, it reflects the very heart of Jesus, who never ignored what was wrong, yet always moved toward people with grace and truth.

Paul also writes, “Speak the truth in love…” (Ephesians 4:15). Truth and love are not opposites, they belong together. When truth is removed, love becomes shallow. When love is removed, truth becomes destructive. But when the two come together, something powerful happens. It may still confront, but it carries care. It may still challenge, but it is aimed at building, not breaking. That is kindness.

That is why kindness shows up again and again in the life of a believer. “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness…” (Colossians 3:12). “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace… kindness…” (Galatians 5:22). This is not an optional extra, it is evidence that the Spirit of God is at work within us.

And yet, if we are honest, it is far easier to be nice than it is to be kind. Niceness avoids tension. It keeps things comfortable. It protects us from awkward moments and difficult conversations. Kindness, on the other hand, leans in. It risks being misunderstood. It is willing to say the hard thing when it leads to life.

Perhaps that is the challenge in all of this. Not simply to become nicer people, but to become kinder people. Because the two are not always the same, and only one of them reflects the kind of love we see in Scripture.